Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Just when I need my friends/family the most, I get reclusive.

Hello all. I know it's been a really long time. I started this blog with the hope of finding people who are on this crappy chronic pain journey, and helping them through it. I don't know why I thought I was suddenly the teacher and not the student. There is always more to learn. Perhaps if I share the downs with the ups, it will help even more. Because I'm in a real down right now.

As I've mentioned, most of my pain is centered in my back and legs. All of my joints hurt, but it's mainly the lower body. So I blab on and on about never taking your legs for granted. Well, about 6 months ago, My right elbow started hurting A LOT. The pain progressively got worse and worse, as I chalked it up to RSD spreading again and making me miserable. But this was different, this was my arm. What does someone confined to a wheelchair do when they lose the use of their arm? Damned if I know! So I panicked. If in doubt, roll up in a little ball and cry in fear and frustration.

Okay, I'm done doing that now. I didn't get much accomplished, but I do feel better now, so maybe I needed that. And what's crazy is that, really, my arm pain turned out to be good news. It turns out that my ulnar nerve is compressed in my elbow. It isn't the RSD (yet) causing all of this pain and numbness. That's great, because then it can be fixed! I go in for surgery on August 5th. There's the rub for me. I'M JUST SO SICK OF SURGERY!!

When I first started out, I could tell you every operation, every procedure, every medication. 16 years later, it all just blurs together into a big, long mess of pain and disappointment. I lost count of surgical procedures after about 30 .... I'm just so done. And yet, I feel like every time "they" run another test, "they" find something else wrong that has to be fixed - by cutting me open AGAIN. "Just close with zippers or Velcro for crying out loud. You know you're going to open it again anyway. Ziploc gets it done!" Surgery sucks. During my depression years, when I was so sick, I was in and out of the hospital so much - including one 5 week long stay - that I would get physically sick to my stomach just driving past the hospital. It really is miserable.

Well, I pulled myself together, realized how much attitude had to do with healing and being "healthy," and I haven't been hospitalized in a long time. Well, with one little operation pending, all of that crap comes right back up again. Here I am, the tough kid who's been doing this for 16 years, who has enough answers that I start a blog to help "newbies," and the thought of another operation can send me tumbling right down again. Lesson learned - just when you think you have it all under control, life hands you another curve ball. But ... I'll get through this too. I will!!

And why is it that when I take a fall, instead of reaching out to my friends/family/loved ones for the support they want to offer, I get reclusive? Why do I do that? Do any of you all do that too? I brag about having some wonderful friends who I know I can turn to, and yet, when I need to vent and cry and be really really scared, I do all of that alone.

Oh well, there it is.